The pain of the last lap is real. There's a point where you cannot depend on anyone anymore including yourself, but God. It's the final minute to the curtain call where the audience either stands up for an ovation or boo in utter disapproval. Which one is it?

The last lap represents you for the year. People don't quite remember the victories and ups of the rest of the year, as much as the way the year ends. It's interesting, that your whole life is summed up by the last minutes of the race. And I thought the 'achievements' of the year were summed up accordingly. One plus one doesn't quite equate two at times like this.

Two thousand and five. The big fat blot of ink on my page? To others seem like there isn't any words written on it. To me, there is. Lots! There are heaps on words written on it, most of them smeared or covered with ink. One thing with ink on paper, you can't rub them off. It just becomes worse. You either leave it there or tear it away, and start a new page. The ink on this page is mine. It's me.

Have I been willing?
Have I been obedient?
Have I hung out with Jesus?
Have I waited on the Lord?

Valid questions all these. Vulnerability required when you're thrown question like that at you. You can fake, pretend, manipulate words and expressions to conjure a reality of yourself, the way you want people to perceive you. But only you, and you know the answers. Sometimes, it's better to stay clear of those questions. Especially the ones that reveal your inadequacies, insecurities, and weaknesses. However, I suppose the kingdom of God doesn't quite work like that. There are battles that are fought in the secret place. Nobody sees them and nobody rewards you, except for the Father. Most of these battles leave you with scars, some still bleeding, some left a mark to remind you of the times you were there and how you survived and overcame. What exactly do you do with the ones that are still bleeding? You can't just throw over a jumper and cover it. You may hide it for 5 minutes but the blood will still seep through. People will still see through you.

I love the verse that says even though my sins are as red as crimson, He will wash them as white as snow. I love my Jesus! He never keeps an account of wrongs. He deals with them, does a surgery within and throws them in the sea of forgetfulness. How wonderful is our Saviour! God, wash me and clean me once again. Let Your wave of Grace, Love and Forgiveness wash me over and over again. Only You, my God and my Lord. Only You.

Let Your Spirit be the wind beneath my wings that take me through the last lap.